Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
