Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
