when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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