Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
