I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
