there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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