you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
