In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
