I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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