So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
