Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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