Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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