If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
