the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
