Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize