I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
