You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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