why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
