he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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