This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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