I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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