sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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