she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
