someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
