for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
