I am spending my child support on dildos
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
