Non-Jews are for practice
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
