my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
