just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
