Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
