Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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