You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
