Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
