when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Two words: nipple clamps
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