I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
