Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
