It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
