so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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