Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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