everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
