if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
