Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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