dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Randomize
