first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
