Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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