Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
