Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
