Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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