Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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