I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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