if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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