I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
