Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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