i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
