Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
