I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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