if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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