Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
