You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
