Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
