So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
