We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
