Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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