The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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