I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
